I for Immortals

by Lillian Csernica on April 10, 2015

Again we visit the gods and heroes of Greek mythology.  Clash of the Titans might have its problems, but Immortals (2011) is just plain ridiculous.

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The main story is about King Hyperion’s (Mickey Rourke) desire for vengeance against the gods of Olympus who did not protect his wife and children during the recent war.  The King needs the “Epirus Bow,” which is this time period’s weapon of mass destruction.

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Hyperion kidnaps the virgin oracle Phaedre (Frieda Pinto), planning to use her visions to locate the long lost Bow.  In these movies, kidnapping virgin oracles is usually a very bad idea.  Hyperion doesn’t stop there.  He’s going to use the Epirus Bow to free the Titans trapped in Tartarus so they can stomp all over the Olympians who locked them up in Tartarus after kicking their immortal butts.  I’d believe the gods of Olympus I read about in high school could defeat the Titans.  I really cannot give that much credit to the Olympians in this movie.  Why?

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This is Kellan Lutz as Poseidon.  Since when did Poseidon ever carry a hammer?  That would be Hephaestus, god of the forge.  Poseidon carries a trident.  In all honesty, I took one look at that helmet and laughed so hard I almost hurt myself.  Good thing the soundtrack was really loud right then, or I might have gotten thrown out of the theater.

Our Hero is Theseus (Henry Cavill), a son of Zeus thanks to yet another of Zeus’ affairs.  I will watch Henry Cavill in anything. (Yes, anything.  Even Man of Steel.)

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Hyperion sends his army out to find the Epirus Bow.  In the process the village where Theseus lives is wiped out and Theseus is taken prisoner.  (Once again the classic “You destroyed my village.  Prepare to die.” theme appears!)  While he’s being held captive, Theseus meets his new sidekick Stavros (Stephen Dorff) and the lovely Phaedre, who is gracious enough to organize a prison riot.  Theseus escapes, taking Stavros and Phaedre with him.

From this point on a lot happens, some of it exciting, some of it pure contrivance to build in more action scenes.  Zeus has commanded the gods of Olympus to stay out of the fight and let Theseus handle it himself.  Do the gods obey?  They do not.  So every time Theseus makes a really bad decision and ends up facing a whole lot of Hyperion’s soldiers, one of the rebel Olympians literally falls out of the heavens to come to Theseus’ aid.

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By the way, there is a Minotaur in this movie.  I can’t remember why, and for once Wikipedia is no help at all.

During one quiet moment between episodes of facing certain death, Phaedre gives herself to Theseus.  This is a bad idea for two reasons.  One, she’ll lose her powers.  Two, this kind of disrespect tends to anger the gods.  Well, as we’ve already seen, the gods of Olympus in this movie are a bunch of pretty teenagers with impulse control problems, so they don’t abide by the classic rules.

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This is Zeus taking a fire-whip to Ares for daring to help Theseus.  What does Zeus care, right?  It’s not like he doesn’t have at least half a dozen other demi-god sons scattered around the Grecian world.

It’s unfortunate that this plot requires close attention to follow, because by the end you realize it just isn’t worth it. What really bothers me is the way the ending cheats the viewer out of some of the usual payoffs for living through the preceding 90+ minutes.  And, last but not least, this movie was created to be shown in 3D.  Did no one in Hollywood learn anything from that Clash of the Titans remake?  Apparently not.

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