Tag Archives: aliens

#blogchallenge: Fortune Cookie #31


by Lillian Csernica on May 31, 2018

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Today’s fortune says:

You must learn to broaden your horizons day by day.

A LEAF ON THE WIND

PART III

Kathleen regained consciousness. She kept her eyes shut and her breathing regular. Thousands of voices made a steady clamor somewhere just on the other side of a door or wall. She lay on a couch that held the lingering odors of sweaty bodies, stale pizza, and something sugary. Concrete. Paper. Old draperies.

“I know you’re awake.” A woman’s voice, both dainty and authoritative. “Sit up. There’s much to discuss.”

Kathleen opened her eyes to see an excellent copy of Jane Fonda’s Barbarella. Posters on the walls ran heavily to superhero themes, classic Kirby art along with movie posters from the Marvel universe. She sat up slowly. All those voices…. She groaned.

“A comic con? Really?”

“This is where we blend in best.” The woman frowned. “Well, here and Burning Man.”

“Who is ‘we’?”

“We don’t have time for the basics. What name did the man give you?”

“Leaf. Leaves that Fall At Twilight.”

“In what language?”

“Japanese.”

“Of course. I’ll give you another name for him: otaku. Are you familiar with that word?”

Kathleen nodded. It meant the crazier kind of fan boy, the one with obsessions and a poor sense of personal hygiene. “I take it that’s not his real name?”

“No. Human vocal chords can’t duplicate our language. The result would approximate a whale singing light opera on meth.”

The very idea made Kathleen’s brain hurt.

“On behalf of the members of my crew,” Barbarella said, “I apologize for Leaf’s disruption of your life. He means well, but he takes his hobbies too seriously.”

“‘Hobbies’? What part of his ‘hobbies’ am I?”

“He’s on our cultural analysis staff. He loves Earth storytelling, the classics and the trash and everything in between.”

“So he really did want to carry me off to some enchanted kingdom.”

“I think the word he used was ‘Wakanda.'”

Despite her consternation, Kathleen burst out laughing. “If there’s one place I’d want to go, that would be it.” She sighed. “Where is Leaf now?”

“In detention aboard our ship. He faces disciplinary action for using a breath weapon.”

“He didn’t hurt me.”

“Do you know what day it is?”

“If it isn’t Saturday, then no, I don’t.”

“It’s Sunday afternoon.”

“I’ve been out that long? Why?”

The faux Barbarella stared at Kathleen. She threw both hands upward and took a seat on the couch, facing Kathleen.

“You might as well hear all of it. Leaf carried you through the transport rift. He’d used a personal code to deliver him directly to his quarters. He might have kept you hidden long enough to make returning you to Earth too costly.”

“But?”

“When he applied the breath weapon, he lingered too long, allowing some of it to escape into the atmosphere. Our sensors alerted us immediately.”

“All this trouble because he wouldn’t stop kissing me in time?”

Barbarella nodded.

Kathleen felt a slight pang on Leaf’s behalf. It had been an amazing kiss. “What’s going to happen to him?”

“That will depend on how much damage control I can do before we return to our galaxy. The use of the breath weapon for the purposes of abduction violates at least three treaties.”

Kathleen could see where this was going. “Can you lock him into one biological shape?”

Barbarella looked at her in surprise. “Yes. Why do you ask?”

“Do it. Lock him into the Winter Soldier shape he was in when he appeared to me. Then leave him here on Earth.”

“What justice would that serve?”

“Exile. For a crime of the magnitude you’re describing, somebody will demand exile, permanent detention, or death.”

“What’s in this for you?”

Kathleen waved at one poster of Captain America: Winter Soldier. “Do you really have to ask? Leave him with me. He’ll be happy, you’ll be rid of a loose cannon, and I can keep an eye on him.”

“This would take time. The bio-ban alone–”

“Ever heard of marooning? That’s what you’ll do. He broke the rules. You abandoned him thousands of light years from home on a planet without the technological level that would enable him to escape. Your hands are clean.”

Barbarella gave her a grudging smile. “I’m almost sorry you won’t be coming back with us.”

“You’ll do it?”

“Understand, if he manages to cross the line again, both of you will pay for it.”

“I’ll take that risk.”

#

The following Thursday Kathleen came home from work to find Leaf sitting on her couch, remote in hand, surrounded by DVD cases and videogames and piles of books. On the coffee table sat a big salad bowl full of popcorn. Three empty pizza boxes stood in a neat pile by the front door. By the sound of the ’70s music, Leaf was watching Guardians of the Galaxy again.

“Hi, honey,” she called. “I’m home.”

Leaf hit Pause, sprang off the couch, and swept her up into a pepperoni-flavored kiss.

END

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The Warrior and the Sorceress


by Lillian Csernica on April 27th, 2015

http://www.ahashare.com

Roger Corman is the executive producer of this derivative conglomeration of alien lifeforms, big swords, bad stunts, and the usual truckload of half-naked women.  Shot in Argentina, the producers reused at least one of the sets from Deathstalker.

When I tell you that David Carradine is the “holy warrior” named Kain, you will forgive me if I groan at the remarkable similarity to his character in “Kung Fu,” a wandering Buddhist monk named Kwai Chang Caine.

What’s the plot, you ask?  Ever seen Yojimbo by Kurosawa?  Sanjuro, maybe?  A Fistful of Dollars by Sergio Leone?  You get the idea.  Lone swordsman wanders into the middle of a dispute between two different groups.  Each side tries to get him to fight for their cause.  He plays them off against each other for his own amusement and because they all deserve a good thrashing.  The people who are really in need of the Lone Swordsman’s help are the peasants who are just trying to scrape up a living while the Two Warlords wage their battles.

In this bizarre version, Kain is on the planet Ura where water is the most precious resource.  So the battle is being fought over the one well that hasn’t run dry.  The Bad Guys are Zeg the Tyrant (Luke Askew) and Bal Caz (William Marin).

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There’s Zeg the Tyrant in grey.  Just behind him is his right hand man, Captain Kief (Anthony DeLongis).

Oh look!  Bal Caz has his very own Muppet!

Now here’s the funny part.  This would have been a rather boring all-male movie if not for the half-naked slave girls and the Sorceress, who’s mostly naked through the entire movie.  Oh, but we’re not talking about your normal kind of human naked!  These are alien women!  The ladies of Planet Ura proudly display a bonus in the bosom department.

http://www.badmovies.org

Now let’s talk about Naja the Sorceress.  That would be Maria Socas, who  also plays the Queen of the Amazons in Deathstalker II.  She’s wearing a remarkably similar costume, what little there is of it.

This is the one and only shot I found where Naja is covered up.  That’s her, sitting in front of Bal Caz.  As for her powers of sorcery?  Bwahahahahahaha.  Not good.  Tricky photography, rays of colored light, and a few explosions.  Not even big explosions, either.

I mentioned aliens, didn’t I?  These guys are slave traders.

theworsemovies.com

The sword fights are all that one would expect given that David Carradine with his yoga-based martial arts skills is doing the fighting.  All that really makes this movie worth watching is Anthony DeLongis running around bellowing and attacking whoever Zeg the Tyrant is after right then.

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Mr. DeLongis has had a long and busy career in the movies.  For more sword & sorcery, you can find him in The Sword and the Sorcerer and Circle of Iron.

If Wikipedia is to be believed, before production began David Carradine got into an argument with his girlfriend and punched a wall, damaging his right hand.  That’s why he’s wearing the ugly black gauntlet on his right arm.  Whenever you see the hero wearing some kind of glove, gauntlet, arm brace, etc., odds are good there’s a reason for it beyond fancy costuming.

Meanwhile, back at the Saga, we find Kain killing everybody within arm’s reach so he can defend the well from those who would exploit it.  His true purpose is to follow his heart, free Naja the Sorceress, and renew the spirit of purpose in his warrior’s heart.  (No, I did not cut & paste that from somewhere.  Yes, I did manage to write it with a straight face.)

theworsemovies.com

When you think about how much money it takes to make a motion picture of anything close to feature length, you really have to wonder why people waste that kind of money on a movie like this.

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