Letters from the Dead


by Lillian Csernica on July 4, 2019

 

Last Thursday my mother died.

My brother lives in Southern California. My sister is currently bound by a temporary restraining order (soon to be permanent. The hearing is tomorrow). That means it’s all on me.

All the hospital stuff.

All the legal stuff.

And, most of all, every single item of Mom’s stuff.

It’s up to me to clear out Mom’s apartment.  It’s just a studio, but still. Furniture. Small appliances. Clothing. Books and DVDs, knickknacks and photo albums. The really staggering part? Mom’s personal correspondence, files, and papers.

Mom kept everything.

I could tell you stories about some of the keepsakes I’ve found, such as the inflatable jukebox wardrobe. Or the hand-painted bamboo parasol that would be a collector’s item if it weren’t for all the rainbow glitter. While such conversation starters are entertaining, and some are quite valuable, the downside of this particular duty involves discovering a few things that I really wish had stayed buried in the clutter.

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I found copies of letters Mom sent to me years ago. Some offered sympathy about my marriage troubles. Some gave “friendly” advice meant “with love” regarding how I took care of my baby, the child who would never walk or speak or do 90% of all the cute things grandparents look forward to in their grandchildren. I also found letters Mom had written to friends, letters that talked about matters I considered private. June was a horrible month. Given that I had to get a restraining order against my sister, then take care of Mom pretty much 24/7 right up to her death, I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I really did not need to come across Mom’s letters and the old issues they stirred up.

Have mercy on the family members who will be tasked with cleaning up after you’re gone. Do you really want your kids to read something out of context years from now when that material is subject to lingering resentments, old grudges, and well-meaning misinterpretation? Go through your personal papers now. You can’t have complete control over how you will be remembered, but you can certainly do yourself a lot of good by cleaning out potential trouble.

I’m not going to get all syrupy about making peace and building bridges before it’s too late. If you can do that, great. If you can’t, don’t feel bad, and don’t feel pressured to reach out to people when that might just make matters worse. I’ve had to take some drastic steps lately to preserve the health and safety of myself and my children. That’s going to make things awkward when it comes to Mom’s memorial service.

Unless you have family members who conducted personal correspondence at the level of Benjamin Franklin or Ralph Waldo Emerson or Florence Nightingale or Collette herself, do not read the papers that are left behind when said loved one passes. Burn them. Shred them. Recycle them. Spare yourself the torment of ambivalent feelings stirred up by unfinished business. If you just can’t resist, here’s a good guide for figuring out what to toss and what to keep.

Let me wrap this up on a positive note. One happy aspect of Mom having so much stuff is setting aside items that I know will mean a lot to Mom’s special friends. I’ve already passed on a few pieces of jewelry to the fellow artists Mom talked about from her art class. Those women thanked me with tears in their eyes, touched by knowing Mom thought enough of them to make sure I gave them those mementoes.

There are many ways to honor the passing of our loved ones. Remembering what was best about them can bring some comfort to everyone involved.

 

 

 

14 Comments

Filed under Family, family tradition, housework, memoirs, mother, parenting, therapy

14 responses to “Letters from the Dead

  1. Rita Reedy

    So very sorry your mom is gone. I know she was well cared for by you, and you shared a deep love in spite of differences. Just know you are doing the best you can do, and be kind to yourself.

    Like

  2. I would suggest that people do keep an eye out for items that the parental figure may have inherited in turn – that’s how we came by the Civil War letters my grandmother kept all those years. In your case, your Mom kept photos related to the work her father did building sets for early Hollywood movies – that stuff is pure gold.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are one of the strongest people I know…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Site Title and commented:
    Couldn’t agree more!

    Jo, Hampshire UK
    Creating My Odyssey – Liberating the Real Me After Thirty Years Of Depression and Anxiety http://www.jo-b-creative.blogspot.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We had the same problem with husband’s mum after she had to be moved into a nursing home. She also kept EVERYTHING, mostly because she was terrified of chucking anything out ‘just in case’. She had piles of unread magazines, advertising leaflets she wouldn’t chuck, birthday cards, you name it…

    Our main concerns now is that we don’t want our nearest and dearest daughter and son to have to deal with our stuff when the time comes. And my ‘stuff’ is a LOT! I’m an inveterate collector. I collect antique curios and mudlarking archaeological finds.

    Right now we’re disposing of stuff from our attic and anything else that we never use. We go by the artist William Morris quote that if you don’t perceive something as being useful or beautiful – chuck it, recycle it or give it to charity….(our words!).

    Jo, Hampshire UK
    Creating My Odyssey – Liberating the Real Me After Thirty Years Of Depression and Anxiety http://www.jo-b-creative.blogspot.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sympathies over your mum’s death, Lillian. It’s hard, dealing with something like this, and so sorry you’ve had to deal with it alone. Don’t forget we – your readers – are all here with a listening ear should you need it.

    Jo, Hampshire UK

    On Thu, 4 Jul 2019, 22:35 Hopes and Dreams: My Writing and My Sons LillianC posted: “by Lillian Csernica on July 4, 2019 Last Thursday my > mother died. My brother lives in Southern California. My sister is > currently bound by a temporary restraining order (soon to be permanent. The > hearing is tomorrow). That means it’s a” >

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you, Jo. I have been giving a lot of items away to other people who live in the same building. I think I’ve been adopted by a number of my mother’s friends.

    Like

  8. Elaine Rutledge

    Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you. I am 75, having lived longer than Mother, both grandmothers and all but one sibling. So I have been very aware of “What to do with it?” “Will they treasure it or toss it?” (Some of my books are worth 20 times what I paid for them.) If you wish to visit my blog – my interests focus on fiber arts. It is: https://mouseinamazefiberphotos.blogspot.com/

    Liked by 1 person

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