Full Hands Means a Full Heart

by Lillian Csernica on June 21, 2013


John’s being John again today.  Uppity, stubborn, argumentative, all those lovely traits the educational system sums up under the term “noncompliant.”  It’s very tiring to remember all the tactics I have to use so I don’t fuel his conflict spiral or mirror his behavior.

I just happened across the graphic above.  I see a lot of pro-autism signs and memes and whatnot, but this one really spells it out.

See, June is a very hard month for me.  June 15th is the anniversary of the day I lost my first baby.  It’s one of those days where I either keep myself really busy and try not to think about it (aside from a time of private remembrance), or I go hole up somewhere so I don’t have to deal with people who know what day it isand come looking for me to make sure I’m “okay.”  Hell no I’m not OK.  Does one ever stop mourning the loss of a child, especially a baby?  Until I lost James, I’d never seen a baby-sized coffin.  That right there made it all so real I just could not continue with the funeral home process for a good several minutes.  The first time I ever got to refer to myself officially as “mother” was when I signed the papers for James’ funeral arrangements.

So I know about empty hands.  That’s why I look at this graphic about autism and I remember how much I love John, how glad I am that he’s my son, and how even though he can be a pain sometimes, I’ll take that pain and a thousand more like it for the sake of my boy.  The same goes for Michael with all of his needs and medical conditions.

Yes, each of my sons is a handful.  A handful of treasure, of love and joy and funny moments and the wonders of watching them grow into the men they will become.


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Filed under Family, Special needs, Writing

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